Let me begin by saying Boston pizza sucks. If I was given a choice between eating the pizza here and dusting my grandmother’s antiques with my tongue, I’d go with the latter. Each time someone tells me he or she enjoys Cappy’s or BHOP, a little bit of my soul dies. Yet, one must wonder: What right do I have to criticize Boston pizza?

Simple. I’m a Buffalonian.

When you’re from Buffalo, N.Y., there’s no end of gripes you can have about your hometown. Most of us can’t wait for college so we can get the hell out. The snow, the cluttered urban landscape and inbred city politics do not create a pleasant place to live.

However, there is one thing we don’t screw up: pizza and wings. You know, buffalo wings? From Buffalo?

Let me explain how this works. Normally, you would think the best quality food would come from a clean, well-maintained facility with many well-dressed, high-spending patrons. Well, Buffalo does things a little differently. In fact, some could even say a little backwards. Basically, the more likely you are to see trash littering the bathroom floors, the better the pizza is going to be.

Where am I going with this? Well, let me sum up by stating that Boston pizza joints, for all intents and purposes suck. Even though I am just a lowly freshman, my experience with the surrounding pizza parlors in addition to both Stetsons give me some experience with the subject.

We’re going to kick this off with, in my opinion, the most egregious offender, BHOP. Conservatively, I would say BHOP pizza is probably one of the three worst pizzas I’ve ever had, including cold Papa John’s. The cheese is decent, the sauce is OK, but the crust is just plain concrete. It’s as if someone handed me a cinder block with pizza flavoring. Perhaps their only saving grace is the fact you can salvage its taste simply by adding bleu cheese. Yes, I eat bleu cheese with pizza. It’s a Buffalo thing. In its defense, BHOP does have some decent subs, but the pizza tastes like something chained to the ankle of a prison inmate.

Cappy’s is decent, but if I can bring your attention back to the aforementioned lack-of-cleanliness-and-pizza rule, there is much room for improvement in my book. I mean, I don’t expect to go into the bathroom and find that someone has taken a dump on the linoleum, but we’re not exactly talking about the Ritz here. And their bleu cheese sort of has a metallic taste. I don’t care what anyone says, I should not have a metallic taste in my mouth unless I’m sucking on pennies.

I guess the greatest indictment of area pizza is that I prefer both dining halls to Cappy’s or BHOP. Now, nothing against Chartwells, because they do a great job with their food (except those scrambled eggs; those need to go, and soon). But whenever you prefer a cafeteria that has to prepare about 30 different types of food to a restaurant specializing in one type of food, you know there’s a problem.

Again, it isn’t like I’ve done a ton of research here. I’ve heard great things about New York Pizza on Columbus Avenue, and I haven’t even touched Uno’s yet. Maybe I am being a little arrogant, calling myself a pizza aficionado simply because I’m from Buffalo. But you’ll have to excuse me if I get irked when I ask for filet mignon and I get handed spare ribs.

– Steve Brachmann is a freshman journalism major.