I have been in a relationship with a guy, lets call him Rafe (for his uncanny similarity to Ben Affleck’s character in Pearl Harbor), for about four years on and off. Rafe and I are basically Ross and Rachel from “Friends.” We have been on breaks and dated other people, but we always seem to come back to one another. There is no doubt that Rafe and I are in love.
This all being said, some would assume Rafe and I make love. However, we do not. We have made love only a couple times. Rafe and I have sex.
To some, these two things mean the same. To me, they make all the difference.
Sex is merely an action. It does not have to involve much emotion. Its purpose is pleasure, and the act doesn’t need to last much longer than a minute.
Making love is more than just sex. It’s about passion. While love-making, two people softly kiss and caress each other and connect on a deeper level. It is supposed to last longer than a minute.
I don’t want to just have sex, I want to make love.
The issue of what type of sex Rafe and I engage in came to my attention over winter break.
After spending the day together, Rafe and I went back to his house to relax. Within a couple of minutes of rest, we both felt a surge of energy and decided to put it to good use.
After a good amount of kissing and foreplay, Rafe reached for a condom, then suddenly remembered his parents were due home any minute.
Rafe turned to me and said, “Want to just hurry?”
“Hah,” I laughed, while thinking to myself, “Wow, how romantic.”
He knew the laugh meant hurried sex was not what I was looking for. But about five minutes later, we ended up having sex … and it was way too rushed for my liking.
Unsure of what to do with my upside-down sex life, I turned to my friends for advice.
My life-long best friends “Jane” and “Meredith” shared in my confusion of what the point of sex was when it was rushed.
“It should never be just sex when you love someone,” Jane said. “If you are in love you should make love.”
Meredith agreed Rafe shouldn’t just want to rush the moments we are supposed to treasure.
“It really shouldn’t even be about the pleasure, but the feeling of comfort, closeness and security shared through sex,” she said.
Both agreed I needed to confront Rafe about the situation and let him know how I was feeling.
Overhearing our conversation, my guy friend “Denzel” interjected his own opinions.
“While I agree with the girls that you should confront Rafe about how you are feeling and what you are wanting, you need to understand we guys view sex differently than you girls,” he said.
Denzel went on to explain that some men don’t see sex as anything more than an action.
“Sometimes we just think it’s a good feeling, so it doesn’t matter if that feeling is rushed, because it’s still a good feeling,” he said. “We will always come out victorious with an explosion of excitement.”
Although it was difficult to grasp the male side of the story, I decided I had to talk to Rafe about the issue. My problem: I don’t normally talk about sex with others (bringing up this issue with my friends was awkward enough). I had no idea what to say to him to get my point across without it being awkward or without offending him.
All three of my friends came to the same conclusions: just tell him straight-out what I want and how I feel.
The next day I gathered up the courage to confront Rafe. I went to his house, sat him on the bed and laid it out for him.
“Rafe, we need to change the way we have sex,” I said. “I don’t want it to be one minute worth of action. I want it to be a lasting experience of love and passion.”
Rafe had no response. I wondered if I had offended him or said something wrong. But then Rafe responded. Not with words, but with actions.
Let’s just say that the best love making one could ever engage in, filled with more passion than I ever imagined followed.
Rafe captured the whole essence of the night once we were done when he exclaimed, “That was amazing.”
– contributed by a News Correspondent
